Just A Bump In The Road

Well, it's official.  I'm a "crazy" person.  If you are waiting for me to move into a psychotic rant--you'll probably be bored by this post. 

Instead of dropping FU-bombs and telling cute animals where to stick it, I thought it would be nice to complete an excersize that was given to me, today.

***List 10 things that I like and find unique about myself.***
*insert eye roll here*

1) I like how I warm up chocolate chip cookies exactly 10 seconds in the microwave before I devour them if they are not freshly baked.

2) I like that I have random bursts of energy and moments where I feel extremely liberated and free enough to prance around the house with my daughter.  We can be found howling at the sky like wolves or just running in small circles singing Doc McStuffins songs.

3) I like that I have next-to-no filter most days.  If you're rude, you had it coming.  Please don't cry when I tell you what's what.  

4) I like my musical abilities and very slight OCD tendencies when it comes to banging a wooden spoon on a pot.  I can't put it down until I finish the specific beat and that's perfectly fine.  Because the beat is strong, reliable and predictable.  

5) I like my artistic abilities and how I can get lost in paintings.  I don't even realize how long I've been gazing.  I look and wonder about the people or objects in them.  What would they be like in a real life scenario?  Who do they belong to?  Are they broken?  What's behind them?

6) I like how I have staring games with people without their knowledge.  Why do they look away first?  If not first, what are they focusing on?  Is it the freckle on my top lip?  I've only met one other person who could outlast my gaze and cause me to fold.  
(I did make it to 11 Mississippi once before I looked away!)  
It wasn't a fair fight.  I'm pretty sure this dude was a criminal investigator or Law&Order detective in another life.  
He's certainly tall enough to intimidate criminals and he could probably rip a phone book in half with no effort.  And he seems pretty intelligent, so mentally I may have just met my match.  But, I will not give up.  
I will just have to live to fight in this imaginary staring contest another day.  

7) I like how I can be unbelievably fearless by jumping out of high-flying swings (not such a great idea afterwards!), walking into a room full of strangers and making a ton of new acquaintances (not a good idea now that I think about everything),
quitting my job and those few people when I feel most unhappy (and without a plan!) (oh geez) and by doing most other things that scare me.
I do like my bravery. 

8) I like how I can feel things so deeply and relate to so many people on every single level that you can ever imagine. 
I totally get people.

9) I like my writing abilities and the way I express myself with words in a written form.  I can't verbally tell you that I pray to God every night to remove the intense worry and sadness and guilt and shame from my heart, but I can write it.

10) I like that I can stop feeling certain things or a certain way by taking certain actions (pills that help me get drowsy, walking in circles until I forget what I'm worried about and/or too dizzy to remember, biting my fingernails off, pulling my hair out strand by strand, drumming my fingers on countertops to match the beat in my brain, pinching my fingers together until they change color, biting my lip to prevent me from speaking about things, etc.)

***List 1 thing that you do not like about yourself and wish you could change.***

1) Everything.  Everything listed above.


My "happenstance life" explanation.

My life is definitely something that I happened across. It's mostly that and chance. The only two things that I am currently 100% certain about are the following items:

1) I have no idea what I'm doing, but I know how I got here.

2) I love my daughter.

That's about all. I still love my life. Please don't misunderstand when you read back on this. 

My life can be compared to a puzzle.  Some of the edges have been put together. And some of the obvious pieces are together and put off to the side for later head scratching. But most of the pieces are just scattered about.  I can see all the pieces scattered on the floor.  And I don't have the box that it came in to help me see what the puzzle will look like when finished. If I don't have the photo of the finished product, it becomes difficult to look over and see if I'm on the right track.  

Usually, when I get stumped on a puzzle I will group all like colors or patterns together and go from there.

So, I suppose I can do the same for my life by asking myself questions. What do I want my life to look like? How do I want to feel? (obvious) Where do I want to be? Who do I want in my life? What type of people do I want to surround myself with? This is a lot to absorb and it's late.  I think I will break each puzzling question into a separate blog starting tomorrow. Hopefully this will help me sort out my feelings and any sadness that I am feeling.