Just A Bump In The Road

Well, it's official.  I'm a "crazy" person.  If you are waiting for me to move into a psychotic rant--you'll probably be bored by this post. 

Instead of dropping F bombs and telling cute animals where to stick it, I thought it would be nice to complete an excersize that was given to me, today.

***List 10 things that I like and find unique about myself.  *insert eye roll here*

1) I like how I warm up chocolate chip cookies exactly 10 seconds in the microwave before I devour them if they are not freshly baked.

2) I like that I have random bursts of energy and moments where I feel liberated to prance around the house with my daughter.  We can be found howling at the sky like wolves or just running in small circles singing Doc McStuffins songs.

3) I like that I have next-to-no filter most days.  If you're rude, you had it coming.  Please don't cry when I tell you what's what.

4) I like my musical abilities and very slight OCD tendencies when it comes to banging a wooden spoon on a pot.  I can't put it down until I finish the specific beat and that's perfectly fine.  Because the beat is strong, reliable and predictable.

5) I like my artistic abilities and how I can get lost for hours in a painting.  I don't even realize how long I've been staring.  I look and wonder about the people or objects in them.  What would they be like in a real life scenario?  Who do they belong to?  Are they broken?  What's behind them?

6) I like how I have staring games with people without their knowledge.  I usually wonder how long it took them to master eye contact.  Are they looking at my lips or eyebrows?  Why do they wrinkle their nose like that?  I've only met one other person who could outlast my gaze and cause me to fold on numerous occasions.  He was my former doctor and I'm pretty sure he was a criminal investigator or Law&Order detective in another life.  He's certainly tall enough to intimidate criminals.  So, really, I didn't lose if that was the case.  My record still remains in tact.

7) I like how I can be unbelievably fearless by jumping out of high-flying swings, walking into a room full of strangers and making a ton of new acquaintances and quitting my job and people when I feel unhappy without a plan and by doing most other things that scare me.

8) I like how I can feel things so deeply and relate to so many people.  I totally get people.

9) I like my writing abilities and the way I express myself with words when I am able.  I can't verbally tell you that I pray to God every night to remove the intense worry and sadness from my heart, but I can write it.

10) I like that I can stop feeling certain things or a certain way by taking certain actions (pills that help me get drowsy, walking in circles until I forget what I'm worried about and/or too dizzy to remember, etc.)

***List 1 thing that you do not like about yourself and wish you could change:

1) Everything.  Everything listed above.


My "happenstance life" explanation.

My life is definitely something that I happened across. It's mostly that and chance. The only two things that I am currently 100% certain about are the following items:

1) I have no idea what I'm doing, but I know how I got here.

2) I love my daughter.

That's about all. I still love my life. Please don't misunderstand when you read back on this. 

My life can be compared to a puzzle.  Some of the edges have been put together. And some of the obvious pieces are together and put off to the side for later head scratching. But most of the pieces are just scattered about.  I can see all the pieces scattered on the floor.  And I don't have the box that it came in to help me see what the puzzle will look like when finished. If I don't have the photo of the finished product, it becomes difficult to look over and see if I'm on the right track.  

Usually, when I get stumped on a puzzle I will group all like colors or patterns together and go from there.

So, I suppose I can do the same for my life by asking myself questions. What do I want my life to look like? How do I want to feel? (obvious) Where do I want to be? Who do I want in my life? What type of people do I want to surround myself with? This is a lot to absorb and it's late.  I think I will break each puzzling question into a separate blog starting tomorrow. Hopefully this will help me sort out my feelings and any sadness that I am feeling.


Happy New Year!

Today, I tied my shoelaces and slipped on a tutu in support of the Western Arkansas Ballet Company!  

It was frigid and windy, but I pushed through.  I got 3rd out of 6th place!  And I've decided to be proud of this accomplishment instead of downplaying it.  I have a tendency to worry about how my success affects other people.  I don't want to make anyone feel bad.  Or jealous.  Or sad.  And then it finally occurred to me that I don't live for anyone else.  No one else but me.

I'm the one who runs every.single.day!  Even if I don't tell you I do, I do.  I'm the one who sticks to my 1,200 calorie diet.  I'm the one who stopped making excuses and worked as hard as I've ever worked before.  I've been building up and doing all of this work over the last 6 months.  That's why I'm where I'm at right now.  That's why I can type the words "I've lost 40 pounds!"  Not because I'm younger.  Not because you didn't have that much to lose.  Not because of anything or anyone else.  It's because of me and the work I put in.  You can always tell when someone is actually doing what they say.  The results never lie.  Science doesn't lie.  And losing weight is a science full of mathematical equations.  

So, to any hater(s).  This race was for you. 
 PS, your passive aggressive comments make me uncomfortable.  And not because I don't understand them.  It's because I do.


Week 8 - "River Valley Run"

So, if you like Jesus, this race is for you!
Support your local FCA!



Updated: 04/23/16

My tip to anyone starting out would be to make a solid plan with people that will hold you accountable!  I really couldn't have done any of this without Dr. Reeves, my supportive co-worker friends, my loving family, and myfitnesspal app.

I've always loved the color purple.  I love the way I look and feel when I wear it.  And I even like the way it rolls off the lips when you say the word.  I never thought a photo taken of me and my favorite sweater would change my life.  But it did.

Last year, I was 29 years old and becoming increasingly unhappy.  I weighed 212 pounds and was always out of breath.  It was in August that a photo was snapped of me in my favorite purple sweater.  I remember looking at the photo in disbelief.  I looked so swollen.  When I looked in the mirror--I didn't see the person in the photo.  It's funny how your mind will see what you want to believe.  

I decided to bring up my concerns to my doctor, Dr. Brent Reeves, of Cooper Clinic in Fort Smith, Arkansas.  After he ran some tests and gave me my pathetic results, he began to ask me questions.  Are you exercising?  What exactly are you eating?  My replies were obvious and my fight or flight mechanism kicked into gear.  

I remember leaving his office that afternoon feeling so angry.  At first, I thought I was angry with him for putting me on the spot for 15+ minutes, but as I drove home I realized I was angry with myself.  How did I let this happen?  I could not believe that I had allowed an entire decade of bad habits and poor choices to run through my life.  I made a promise to myself.  And I made a plan with Dr. Reeves to make better choices with my calorie intake and my activity levels.  I told everyone in my life that I was serious about becoming healthy and asked them for their support.

Since August 2015, I have lost a total of 47 pounds.  And with that, I feel like I have gained so much more.  I don't feel like I'm just changing physically – something took over on an emotional and mental level.  I feel like I am becoming my truest and confident self.  I feel alive.  I don't feel as afraid to try new things or to meet new people.  My shyness is a lot less debilitating and so much more manageable, now.
I have also come to realize that I don’t have to be the best at something to enjoy it.  I can come in last place and still have so much fun!  And having fun makes me incredibly happy.  The most important thing to me now is living my life.  Not just being here and existing.  I mean, actually, living my life as happy and free as I possibly can.

And running has granted me that new found freedom.  It seems like it's become a great outlet for frustration.  A time for me to think and reflect without being interrupted.  It’s also the perfect time for me to hum Christmas classics and the ghostbusters theme song without drawing too much attention to myself.  A time to think positive thoughts and admire my shrinking cankles.  

Running even allows me to practice mathematical word problems.  For example: If Dog A chases a woman that weighs 212 pounds at a rate of 3 mph up a 30 foot incline...Will she get eaten?

This challenge has introduced me to a group of driven individuals who live for many reasons and causes.  It’s given me a whole new discussion topic with my co-workers.  More bonding stroller time with my sweet, baby girl and a stronger connection with my family.  A family that wants me to be healthy and live as long as possible. 

It’s taught me patience.  And dedication.  I never thought I would be the one to run in the rain.  But I laced up and went out in the sprinkles.  Yes, I'm that girl.  The girl that I would always see in the park on my way out from work.  The girl that is, for now, excited about her future and on her way to being completely content and happy with her choices.

Yay, for change.


Week 7 - "2015 Everyday Superhero 5K"

This was a tough one.  The roads were flat and I nearly gave up.  
Almost finished.

I feel drained and slightly depressed.


Week 6 - "2015 Sparks Stampede"

This week we ran in support of physical fitness and to raise awareness for a variety of cancers!
We completed this race in 46 minutes!  This is officially our best time to date!  Woot, woot.  

Marie and I were interviewed by Channel5 News.  Marie did an exceptional job and I did that thing where I became my old, introverted and quiet self.  You know, the "boring" me.  Sadly, they chose to use the "boring" me segment instead of Marie's playful and informative banter.  

Thankfully, Marie isn't the jealous type, so we all had a good laugh and tried to put my awkward tv appearance behind us.  

Here is the quote they took from the video and audio clip.  Marie really enjoyed the fact that they called us "avid runners".